Inevitable Encounter - Sid'nis | Parker

Despite being new, this dining hall is very similar to the one back at old Atricis, giving a familiarity to the new Weyr. It is one large, central cavern carved out from the side of the cliff with many tables of varying sizes and seat numbers. The kitchens are attached, and there is a set of stairs leading down into the lower caverns.
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Shaihulud
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Thu Jul 12, 2018 10:49 pm

"Yes, it was a long time ago and there isn't anything that can be done, even if it was wanted, to change it. I can't say that the decision I made was right or wrong...I'm starting to think there really isn't right or wrong answers unless they are blaringly obvious, but sadly life isn't so black and white. But regardless, I am sorry if I hurt you."

Even at the time, when Sid'nis abandoned him for A'rosius, Mul'rec preferred to describe his feelings as "disappointed" or "let down". He thought the bluerider wanted the same as he, or so Sid'nis had made him believe, thus when the bluerider began to develop his relationship with A'rosius, Mul'rec decided it was time to respond rather than let the man resign himself to the consolation prize. He had always had a fondness for Sid'nis, but was not ready at the time to commit and break a friend's heart. Ultimately, it was the brownrider's heart that was broken, a fact Mul'rec did not come to accept until several turns later after he lost both his friend and his daughter. Still, it never hurt like most broken hearts, but instead ached with regret no matter how much numbweed Mul'rec attempted to apply to it.

Rather than answer, Mul'rec stood at his side in continued silence. He left the dining hall to speak with Sid'nis, to heal old wounds without being subjected to A'rosius' scrutiny. That did not necessarily mean, however, that Mul'rec was keen on renewing old aches.

"I guess...perhaps...it is better to just let the past stay behind us. Speak no more of it. Really...all I truly care about now is where do we go from here. You're my oldest and one of my closest of friends, Mul'rec. I don't want to lose that again. Ever. I....I care about you too much to let more turns slip by us without even so much as speaking to one another."

He heard the echoes of want and hope, but Mul'rec remained cautious about such assumptions, especially when past experiences warned him about jumping to conclusions, no matter how favourable the signs. It also helped little that Sid'nis was recently involved, or so it sounded. While Mul'rec wanted to hear Sid'nis say he wanted another chance, the logical side of Mul'rec warned him that the bluerider might only want comfort for the loss, which the brownrider was not willing to provide. And then once more there was the matter of A'rosius.

"You know I will always care about you Sid'nis. You are my friend, and you are right. We should never let time and regret drive a wedge between us again." For the first time since their arrival outside, Mul'rec dared to look to the bluerider with a softness in his eyes so rarely seen.
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Parker
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Mon Jul 16, 2018 10:26 pm

"You know I will always care about you Sid'nis. You are my friend, and you are right. We should never let time and regret drive a wedge between us again."

It was good to hear that Mul'rec also didn't want more turns to slip by between them without so much as talking again. However, there was...something...he couldn't put his finger on it...that was hanging there between them. Something that wasn't being said, something glaringly obvious, but it seemed they were tiptoeing around it still. The look that Mul'rec was currently give him only seemed to reinforce that there was something. Sid couldn't help but feel like he had back at Walled when Mul'rec was still recovering from the wounds he'd got while rescuing him.

Sid gave a small laugh and then rubbed the back of his neck as he paced back and forth a little. "Dammit....Faranth dammit..." He said before he rubbed his face a few times. "For all we've said we care about each other and that we don't want to let regret drive a wedge between us...I can't help but feel like there is something between us." He said honestly, but paused for a moment to try and find the right words...of course, times like this, no words ever felt like the right ones.

"I know neither of us are exactly the same as we were the last time we were at a feast like this. I'm not...I don't want...fuck...I am really bad with words. Not like I was ever very good with them, but seems like here lately I am even worse at them. " Sid lamented as he took another moment or two to try and figure out how to say what he wanted to say without completely fucking things up. Though, the fear of that happening regardless was very real. He was really beginning to wonder if there was anything right he could do. "Basically....I want us back... Spending time with you tonight....I have felt more myself than I have in....well, I can't remember when, but I'm terrified I'm going to do or say something that is just going to ruin everything.
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Shaihulud
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Sun Jul 22, 2018 2:25 pm

Mul'rec felt satisfied with his response, believing it best reflected his own feelings for the bluerider... as well as his caution. Perhaps with time, Mul'rec might reconsider his position with the bluerider, and where their relationship stood, but for now, the brownrider needed time to rebuild familiarity and trust with Sid'nis.

However, it seemed the bluerider was not so patient.

"Dammit....Faranth dammit..."

The brownrider did not move as the bluerider kicked off the wall to pace in agitation, giving every sign Mul'rec needed to recognise his answer was unacceptable to the younger man. Still, in silence he remained, listening for the inevitable since Sid'nis was so keen to speak it.

"For all we've said we care about each other and that we don't want to let regret drive a wedge between us...I can't help but feel like there is something between us."

Mul'rec took a long drag in response, and blew two jets of smoke from his nares. He was disappointed.

"I know neither of us are exactly the same as we were the last time we were at a feast like this. I'm not...I don't want...fuck...I am really bad with words. Not like I was ever very good with them, but seems like here lately I am even worse at them." If Sid'nis needed time collect his thoughts and speak, Mul'rec made sure to give it to him in abundance. "Basically....I want us back... Spending time with you tonight....I have felt more myself than I have in....well, I can't remember when, but I'm terrified I'm going to do or say something that is just going to ruin everything."

While eager to speak with Sid'nis, Mul'rec still remained careful to assume things were the same as they were ten turns ago. If anything, the things the brownrider had learned tonight had confirmed the bluerider of the past was long lost. Mul'rec could not love this man. It pained the brownrider to arrive at such a conclusion, but he swallowed the hard truth nonetheless. Mul'rec required patience and loyalty above all, two virtues Sid'nis seemed to lack now. The fact he had cheated on his own lover was the most concerning to Mul'rec. The fact he also refused to let the matter lie of what remained "between" them, also disconcerned the brownrider. As a friend, such behaviour was forgiveable, but Mul'rec had decided that was all Sid'nis would ever be to him. He did not immediately answer. Instead, the brownrider took his time to consider his words before he spoke them.

He tapped the ash off his smoke. "Though I can make no promise things will be as they were before, I can assure you, Sid, that you will always have my friendship." The brownrider meant it. As a friend, Mul'rec would always support him, but only as a friend. "However, you are mistaken if you believe there is something between us. That time has long past, and likely for the best."
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Parker
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Mon Jul 23, 2018 6:52 am

"Though I can make no promise things will be as they were before, I can assure you, Sid, that you will always have my friendship. However, you are mistaken if you believe there is soemthing between us. That time has long past, and likely for the best."

Sid stood still and looked at him...really looked at him. He wasn't surprised, honestly. Once again he'd said the wrong thing...or he had said things wrong. Honestly, it didn't matter. It didn't matter that what Mul'rec thought he meant wasn't what he was trying to say. Perhaps it was best that the truth be spoken now instead of later. That didn't mean it didn't still hurt. Sid was a little surprised at the sting of those words. For the last several turns he thought he had finally put his feelings for Mul'rec behind him. Apparently, instead of being dead they had merely been so far buried, only to reveal themselves again upon seeing him.

Even if that hope for merely a chance to explore something more with Mul'rec was barely even realized, the fact that it was dashed out completely now was blaringly obvious. There was a part of him that wanted to ask the brownrider why he had never been good enough. What was it that he lacked that made it impossible for him to love him back? The only time Mul'rec had ever shown even an ounce possibly returning those feelings had been at the last feast. That was after Sid had bared his true feelings for him at Walled and was turned down. After that...there was plenty of times that Mul'rec could have told Sid that he felt the same, but he didn't. He only did when he knew that Sid had fallen for someone else. His confession at the last feast had felt selfish to Sid. It felt as if Mul'rec was only saying them because he didn't want to share him, but Sid was also not good enough for him to love without the risk of losing him to someone else. What Mul'rec had just told him only confirmed his suspicions that Mul'rec had only tried to make him choose him for selfish reasons.

He took a long drag of his cigarette and let the smoke slowly billow from his mouth. "You're right. There isn't anything between us, but then there never was anything between us. That time isn't long past, it simply never was. Us implies two people and whatever that something was...well, that was all on me, wasn't it? Whatever bridge there might have been I pretty well burned at the last feast, so...yeah...thank you. It's good to know exactly where we stand on the matter." There was no bitterness, no anger, no sorrow in his voice. Simply the solid facts as he saw them to be.

If there was any anger in him it was only towards himself. For not moving on sooner, for still having feelings, for ever having feelings in the first place. None of that could be changed, but he could move on now. Would it be easy? No. For all he had thought he moved on, he hadn't, so now he had to do it for real. Sid could never not be Mul'rec's friend, that was out of the question, but he knew he had to put limitations on himself. Build some sort of barrier until those feelings he did have were completely gone. No longer could he be Mul'rec's shadow...there by his side as he had once been when they first came to Atricis. The sooner he accepted that the sooner he could heal. He finished up his smoke and dropped it to the ground to stub it out with his foot. "C'mon, friend. Let's go back inside. I'm sure you don't want to be away from your family for too long and there are a couple of weyrlings I need to congratulate still."
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Shaihulud
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Mon Jul 23, 2018 9:11 am

As Sid'nis eyed him, measuring the character of the brownrider and the weight of his words, Mul'rec awaited his judgement. Not by shrinking, and certainly not any sense of trepidation; instead, he readied himself with an inner shrug, for he had accepted the consequences of the rejection.

"You're right. There isn't anything between us, but then there never was anything between us. That time isn't long past, it simply never was. Us implies two people and whatever that something was...well, that was all on me, wasn't it? Whatever bridge there might have been I pretty well burned at the last feast, so...yeah...thank you. It's good to know exactly where we stand on the matter."

The bluerider spoke the very thing Mul'rec anticipated. The scorned lover even reached further back, dismissing everything they had ever felt for one another, but in silence Mul'rec stood. Corrections over the finite details were meaningless now. He did not take a puff of smoke. He did not shift in uncertainty. Instead listened to his old friend finally realise for the first time what Mul'rec always knew himself: Mul'rec was a selfish bastard.

And yet... his silence was telling. His outward display to the bluerider was one of apathy, but within, it hurt Mul'rec to hear Sid'nis dismiss the turns of love between them. Mul'rec had always loved Sid'nis then, and for all he was selfish, he was not heartless. Mul'rec meant what he said at the feast that night, and for all they would have failed, for Sid'nis, he would have tried. Even now, Mul'rec said as much in his last remarks: That time had long past, but only because it had once existed. Yet still, Mul'rec held his tongue and kept his peace. For Sid'nis, he let the bluerider say what he needed to say in order to make the world bearable enough for him to live in. Let Sid'nis believe what he needed to survive. The brownrider owed him that much.

"C'mon, friend. Let's go back inside. I'm sure you don't want to be away from your family for too long and there are a couple of weyrlings I need to congratulate still."

"No," Mul'rec said simply. He stared off towards the lake, quietly acknowledging the tumult of emotions that Sid'nis own dismissals had stirred. "I think-" his face tightened against the heartache, refusing to show weakness when only strength was acceptable. It needed to be this way "-I think I'll stay out here a bit longer. Go on inside without me Sid." With that, he took a long drag from his cigarette. He never looked back to the bluerider, and once more he told himself that time had long past.
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Parker
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Mon Jul 23, 2018 7:30 pm

"No. I think-I think I'll stay out here a bit longer. Go on inside without me Sid."

Sid'nis had paused for a moment as Mul'rec's own voice paused. There was a part of him that wondered if Mul'rec was going to say anything about the words he'd just spoken to him. There was a part of him that almost expected him to say that all of that was full of shit...perhaps there was a part of him that hoped the brownrider would say that. No, he needed to learn to start putting that sort of hope behind him. What he had said had been right, Mul'rec did not feel for him in any other way besides friendship. He never had felt differently, or so that was how it seemed in Sid's mind. If he hadn't changed his mind or his heart by name then he never would.

"Alright. If any of your family asks about you I will be sure to let them know that you are out here still." Sid assured him before he patted his arm and then headed back inside. There was a tumult of feelings pouring out of him. How he didn't show any of it was beyond him. He wanted to scream, yell, cry, and sob so hard it felt as if all he would be able to do was laugh uncontrollably like a mad man. What was fate doing to him? Was it trying to break him apart permanently? That was how it felt...as if life itself wanted to see how many times it could slap Sid in the face until he'd finally had enough.

At least...well, at least he knew now. Regardless of how much it hurt, regardless of the fact that if Mul'rec changed his mind right then,, at least now he was for sure about where he stood with the brownrider...it hurt, but he hoped he would be able to move on now. He turned on his feet and began to go back to the dining hall. He needed to find the weyrlings he knew that had impressed and congratulate them. After that...he would find his best friend V'an and talk to him...and he'd likely find Rath again. He would get passed this...he had to...after everything else he wasn't going to let this drag him down.

{fin}
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F'lin & Mnenomth | C'sian & Gastoneth | Sid'nis & Iolith | Ao'mek & Tlamehath | Lorcan & Hydranth
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So'cles & Ylpeysth | Locke & Wraith | Kisle'vis & Cetovas | Journeyman Zaynallen
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Darrow & Argow | Naji & Weisdan | Candidate Carver | Ferghas & Fersk | Corbin & Corsk

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